Holy crap, it’s hot! As each 30+C day passes and as each thunderstorm rolls through leaving rivers of rainwater in their wake, the humidity rises. I’ve never been a fan of air conditioning - I grew up in an 1890s 3-storey home in the middle of Toronto, built at a time when, obviously, A/C did not exist. Somehow we muddled through the summer heat but it occurs to me that it never got this hot, not for prolonged periods of time anyway. Or maybe it did and I just didn’t notice.
But now, I can’t imagine not having A/C. We had to have it installed in our rural home and because I can be a stubborn jackass at times (ofttimes?), I gave Paul a whole lot of push back about it. We are of tougher stock than that, I said. Fans, I insisted, would do the trick. Opening windows to the fresh country air is healthier! Blah, blah, blah. Paul got his way on that one and I am grateful. Although, I have to say, too much A/C causes me a headache and a general feeling of unwell.
Speaking of unwell and, well, being a jackass: my stomach has been on a roller coaster ride of ick for weeks, possibly months. As is my usual take on physical unwellness, I’ve ignored it. Tried to make like it wasn’t happening, tried to pretend that I’d eaten something off or that it was just stress etc. It rarely occurs to me that a symptom in my body is because something is up. This is how women give birth without even knowing they were pregnant or people’s spleens explode because they’d ignored the searing pain for too long.
Finally, I went to see my GP and she suspects a parasite. Blood and urine tests were commissioned and now we wait for the verdict. So, yeah, this stomach of mine has been trying to say something for a while now and I have paid it no mind. Funny how when you ignore something long enough, it just starts to get louder and angrier and more painful.
Like a toddler having a tantrum (which is a pejorative term for what is a totally valid state of overstimulation response). When M&P had tantrums which, honestly, were rare, I would stop what I was doing and pay attention. I did not ignore their crises in the mistaken belief that it would just stop on its own like, somehow, a 2-year-old has the emotional regulation capacity of an adult.
To pile it even more on, I have my second cataract surgery on Sunday. I believe I described the first one as “unpleasant”. Now, this is where my ability to ignore body discomfort comes in real handy. I can lalalala my way out of reality. The gift of dissociation came to me early in life (that’s actually not funny, just tragic) and whilst I recognize it for the mental health disturbance that it is, I can also call it up when needed. So, the act of having my eyeball carved into, one cloudy lens removed, and an artificial one installed all the while being fully conscious is mere water off a duck’s back (and, also, the sedative helps).
What makes some of us resilient and others less so? Is it the sheer number and intensity of challenges we’ve had to face and overcome? We take it as a given that life will throw us curveballs, plus there’s that somewhat patronizing saying about God or whoever not giving us more than we can handle but the question is why? Why do we even need to go through hard stuff at all? Why can’t it all be good and slightly less good as opposed to bad and really, really bad?
To quote the late Gilda Radner,
It’s always something.
In the mean time, my tummy hurts, modern medicine is restoring my sight, and the A/C remains on full tilt.
Hope your feeling better soon ❤️
Totally alllways sooome THING! 🤪